There are many myths about what it means to be strong. In a variety of contexts, I hear people say to each other, “you’re so strong.” Recently, I heard it when a stoic widow gave the eulogy at her husband’s funeral, when a young boy broke his ankle but didn’t shed a tear, and when a teenage girl shrugged off her painful breakup, seemingly unaffected. Is this really strength? Maybe, but it leads into this misconception that equates strength with a lack of feeling.
3 Myths about What it Means to be Strong
Myth #1: Strong people don’t cry.
More factually, strength is the ability to feel emotions and release them appropriately. It takes incredible vulnerability to cry, alone and/or in front of others. It allows us to work through our feelings. Although repressing, avoiding, and suppressing our feelings are coping mechanisms that have a purpose, they should not be our default mechanisms. That is not strength—it’s avoidance!
Myth #2: Strong people don’t complain.
Well, come on, we all complain!! Wallowing in self-pity is different than complaining about unpleasant circumstances for a period of time. Complaining appropriately can allow us to practice acceptance of our circumstances and plan for our next step. And sometimes, it just feels good to let it out!!
Myth #3: Strong people aren’t anxious.
Instead, people who exhibit strength have, like most, wavering confidence. There are so many choices in life and so many things that are uncertain. Strength involves being able to choose a path, relish in its successes, and/or practice acceptance and self-forgiveness when the path leads to a dead end.
Why are these myths a problem? People who acknowledge and express pain, even while demonstrating resiliency, might feel weak and might assume this means they are weak. Strength is about being adaptable to change, recognizing and expressing needs, learning from mistakes, persevering when things get tough, and finding meaning and purpose in adverse times.
Tacianna Indovina, PhD
Dr. Tacianna Indovina knew that she wanted to be a therapist since she was in high school. From that time, her love and enthusiasm for the healing power of psychotherapy hasn’t wavered. It’s a good thing for our community that Tacianna is as enthusiastic as ever for helping people when they feel overwhelmed, discouraged, and alone.
Through her authenticity, gentle directness, and sense of humor, Tacianna works with you to identify patterns of thinking and behaving that may be making it difficult for you to meet your goals. Tacianna’s easy rapport encourages, validates, challenges, and empowers!
With her down-to-earth and relatable style, Tacianna provides counseling for late adolescents, adults, and couples, to provide support to recover from interpersonal loss and trauma, overcome mood struggles, cope with anxiety, and adjust positively to life transitions. Tacianna adapts her approach to what you want and need, and aims to help you build healthier relationships with yourself and others.
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Tacianna Indovina, PhD
Sitting with the Hospice Social Worker this morning after visiting with my soon to be 93 years old father (under Hospice care), Elizabeth said, “ You are so strong. You have gone through so much, yet you inspire me with your strength.” WHAT? I have heard that phrase more often than I ever imagined in the last 3 and 1/2 years. Less than 6 months after a diagnosis of cancer, my husband of 36 1/2 years, soulmate for 43 years died. Childless, but with 4 feline “children”, I have tried to pick up the pieces of my life, reassemble them, unsure of what the new me will look like. Along this journey for the past 3 1/2 years, I have been cut off from my husband’s family after they demanded I let them have the funeral for my husband and I was not to interfere with their service. As a bystander guest at his funeral, i honored their request. Since then, my mother died, my mother in-law died, 1 Aunt died, and 2 uncles died. I took a new job. I sold my house and bought another house. I moved my father to a nursing home. My sister, broke her leg, was diagnosed with lung cancer, went through chemo and is now in remission. Does that make me strong? No. That is survival. If people knew what those words meant when they share those with people, perhaps they would re-evaluate. As a Neuro Trauma ICU nurse of 40 years, I thought I knew how to grieve with the grieving families and patients. Until one walks across “the bridge” through their own personal losses, the gravity of those words “you’re so strong”, do not bear the abyss of loss, the absence of a perimeter, the search to remember how to breathe. Time does change the rawness, the intensity, the acuity, leaving behind remnants of a prior life now twisted and knitted into a different tapestry. Am I strong? I feel I can say that within me, for only I have traveled my journey.
Thanks for your post—I really appreciate your insight and feedback. And wow — you have been through A LOT! I can’t imagine experiencing the quick passing of a spouse and the many losses that come from it, especially with a tumultuous situation with his family. It felt overwhelming just reading your post and learning of all the adjustment you’ve made the last few years with grieving, changing jobs, taking care of others, and moving.
It sounds like when people have conveyed “you’re so strong” it feels inaccurate and perhaps even dismissive? If I’m getting it right, I can appreciate that — perhaps it feels like empty words that don’t quite capture that you *need* to continue on despite the many challenges life has thrown at you.
“Time does not change the rawness, the intensity, the acuity…” really resonates with me. It’s my pet peeve when people attempt to console others by saying “it’ll get better with time.” It’s fair to say, in my opinion, that time makes things different, but to try to argue that it gets better again feels diminutive.
Thanks again for your reply!!