Into Act III of my life, and I still struggle with adulting. Not kidding. It sucks. I tell myself I should be better than this, but I’m not. I’m like a lot, maybe most, human beings, I think. When the going gets tough, I want a blankie and something silly on TV to make me forget about it.
As we get older and take on more and more responsibilities we begin to feel cornered. We conveniently forget how we made choices along the way that got us here. The accountability we feel as a ball and chain began as a decision. To say we didn’t have a choice is sort of like lying to ourselves. There are always options. It’s just hard sometimes to see them through whatever big emotion holds us back.
When we are tired of adulting, we regress into the little kid that cries, “…but I don’t want to!” It sounds whiny. It is whiny. When my kids were little, one of the worst things they could do was whine. I had no patience for whiners. If they said, “but mom, I really wanted to do that” in that high-pitched sing-songy voice, I’d whine right back, “But you can’t!” They’d either laugh or get really mad, but they stopped whining.
Hardest Times with Stupid Hard Things
I have the hardest time with stupid hard things, not the big stuff, but the little stuff that’s the bread and butter of being a grown up in the 21st century. Email, for example. Not a favorite. I avoid it like a pile of dirty laundry. The pile doesn’t go away. It just gets bigger and bigger. I trim it down, like an explorer going through a rain forest with a machete, whacking it back in a sweaty haze just to have it grow back thicker and deeper than ever. What’s the use? Why do I have to go through fifty, a hundred, a thousand emails to find the relevant one?
Because you’re a grown up, I tell myself. That’s what grown ups do.
Adults do the hard thing because it’s the right thing.
I saw that somewhere. Best description of what it is to be an adult I’ve seen. It still resonates with me, even though my inner five year old really doesn’t like it.
Interpersonal Psychology suggests a model for this inner tension that I use a lot. Picture this: Our inner selves is made up of three entities: The Child, the Parent and the Adult.
The Child in us wants what it wants NOW! And it wants everything!
Brownies? Yes, now!
Binge watch whole seasons of whatever? Yes, all day long!
Stay in bed on a Tuesday morning full of appointments? Of course!
Freud called this part of ourselves the ID. Primitive, immature, self-centered, the way a two year old is self-centered.
The Parent in this set up is seen as over zealous.
The Parent sees its job as bringing order to the chaos but it usually over does it.
This would be the Superego in Freudian terms. The Parent often cracks down on the Child by making it clear that there are Rules.
Shame, Guilt and Self-Loathing will rise up if the Rules are not followed!
No Brownies for you! In fact, no brownies ever and while we’re at it, no sugar in any form for a month! It’s healthy!
If you binge watch even two episodes of that junky show you will feel guilty for not spreading that time reading an educational book that is good for you!
Stay in bed and miss appointments!? And let all those people down? Develop a reputation as a bum? Not on my watch!
You get the picture.
The Adult in us is the reasonable arbiter.
The Adult is the judge, a kind, benevolent, compassionate judge.
The Adult, when it’s healthy and doing its job, can reason with both the Child and the Parent to help them meet their needs without taking over.
Most of us have oversized Child and Parent voices in our head fighting over our behavioral remote. It doesn’t matter how old we are, or why. If we do nothing to help the Adult in us rule with a kind, compassionate, and fair hand, we are miserable.
5 Ways To Turn Down The Volume and Listen To Your Inner Adulting
Here’s how you can turn the volume down on the Child and Parent and up on your Inner Adult:
- When the Child or Parent is going wild, making you feel awful, give yourself a beat, permission to pause in order to calm your body.
- Tell the Child and Parent to shut up! This is actually a technique we psychologist types call Thought Stoppage.
- By creating that quiet space, the more evolved part of your brain, where your Adult is, can have the quiet so that you can hear what it’s saying.
- When your Adult voice says something that challenges you to be uncomfortable in order to do the right thing, face the discomfort and walk towards it, not away. Do it!
- Feel the relief, the release from the negative emotion. Bask in the afterglow of doing the right thing even though it was the hard thing. That’s your reward. That’s your positive reinforcement. And if you want to, if the Adult says it’s ok, let the Child have a brownie. I’ll bet even the Parent wouldn’t say no to that.
