This is a True Story about Couples Therapy.
A couple walked into a therapist’s office. (OK. It was my office…)
“If you would only stop doing what you’re doing we’d be fine!” yelled one.
“If you would only stop telling me what to do we’d be fine!” growled the other.
“Time out!” said the therapist (me), using the universal ‘T’ hand gesture.
The couple, united in intent at last, stared at me, shocked, as if a monkey had suddenly jumped on my head.
“Couples Therapy is not about having the same fight you have at home here in this office,” I said, “Just because there’s a third party witnessing it won’t make the fight, or your relationship, any better. Let me explain what it takes to be in couples therapy. Then you can decide if you want to continue.”
1. Have an agreed upon goal. If, as a couple you can’t agree on a goal before therapy, that’s OK. The first job of therapy then is to work towards that understanding. What you both want out of couples therapy? Many reasons may bring a couple to therapy. Only one is needed to help them stay. If either of you do not want to be there, or has a hidden agenda, it won’t work. The agreed upon goal can be simple: We want to be happier in our marriage. Or it can be more complicated: She had an affair, he drinks too much, we haven’t had sex in over a year. A good couples therapist can work with complicated issues as long as the ultimate goal is mutual.
2. Commit to the investment of time and money. Time: Scheduling one person can be hard enough. Trying to schedule two people can be five times harder. And that’s only the start. Therapy will be a non-starter unless both parties agree that their relationship is a priority, that they will find the time, make the time, not only for the therapy sessions but also for the relationship outside of the sessions. Financial: How much is your relationship worth? Only you can decide. Misery, possibly divorce, is very expensive. People often make the decision to buy the big screen TV, the latest fashions, or travel to pleasurable destinations. Somehow they find a way to afford it. Sacrifices are made. Why hesitate when it comes to therapy that could mean everything to your future? Maybe it’s because of #3…
3. Expect to be uncomfortable. For a while. Tips 1, 2 and 3 alone are uncomfortable enough to make a couple think twice about couples therapy. All tips are asking the couple to do things differently than they have done before which places them outside of their comfort zone, way outside. Revealing yourself to a stranger (the therapist) is uncomfortable enough. Keep in mind: The old ways aren’t working, new ways will feel weird until they begin to reap benefits. The couple who walked into the office only to continue the usual fight they always have are in their comfort zone. As miserable as they may be, it’s what they know. Approaching differences with kindness and vulnerability, that’s what’s new. That’s what may feel really uncomfortable.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. A wife once said to me, “I tried what you suggested. It didn’t work. What else can I do?” Not always, but sometimes in therapy that’s like saying, “I tried exercising for one day and I’m not strong. What else can I do?” What a good therapist asks of you is to stay outside your comfort zone long enough to give the new way a fighting chance to build healthier emotional bone.
4. Have a mutual vision of the relationship you want, the one you are striving to build. This will be your North Star during the adventure of couples therapy. Whenever you are tempted to go back to the old conflictual or avoidant ways, think to yourself, will this bring me/us closer to our vision or drive it further away?
5. Be open to individual growth. This is what I think is the most exciting part of couples counseling. It is so easy to point and say, “It’s all his fault!” Much harder to ask, “How have I contributed to this?” Be ready to be challenged to look at your own responsibility in the relationship. Even if it’s not obvious (He’s the one who had an affair!) a relationship does not fall off the rails by only one person’s actions. You will also be asked to behave like the partner you would like your partner to be. Ask yourself, am I really doing all I can to be a good partner?
The couple who began their first session fighting just like they did at home, decided to stick with it. They made the commitment to couples therapy, invested their time, energy and money. They had the guts to exercise a new way of relating and communicating. They each recognized and changed the individual behavior that was getting in the way of personal and mutual growth. They had set backs, recognized them and got back on track. After several months, my work with them was done.
On our last day of therapy they were sitting on the sofa hip to hip, holding hands. (I know. It sounds corny, but this is a true story.) They both looked at me smiling (no monkey on my head) and thanked me. Stories like theirs are a real gift to the therapist, so I thanked them, too. There are no guarantees, but we had reason to be hopeful and they were welcome to come back anytime for a “booster shot.”
It doesn’t always work out this way. The stats for couples therapy are pretty dismal, primarily, I’m convinced, because people too often seek out therapy as a last resort before calling a lawyer. All these tips are just too hard for them. Couples therapy cannot get you to your vision without both of you putting forth motivation, focus and commitment. Good couples therapy supports and guides you through all of these challenges, but the real work and reward is all yours!
Photo courtesy of Hamed Masoumi
EWN Editors Note:
This article on Couples Therapy has proven to be so successful that we are including a few more links to newer articles that touch on the topic of couples relationships.
Pre Marriage Counseling & Four Rules of Engagement – This is a great article by Dr. Aletta regarding the pre-marriage time when a couple has become engaged to be married. It’s a quick read of only about 1 minute in which Dr. Aletta provides “4 Rules of Engagment” for any couple to follow (and continue) before the big day!
Love Languages – Did you know that different people express their love for others in different ways? When you recognize your own love language you are able to then begin to recognize other peoples love language (like your spouse) and this helps to strengthen your relationship and reduce the challenges you face in your personal relationships. Our very own Tacianna Indovina explains some of these love languages in this quick, 1 minute read.
Really true. The 5 points given in this page is really true. The 4th and 5th point mentioned in this post states the important things. that is, the open mind or the communication and the other is vision in relationship. Thanks for sharing these information with us.
Excellent post Dr. Aletta! The same can be said about any life change (as you mentioned, exercise). Somehow it’s so much more encouraging that most couples struggle with the same things…and can overcome their issues anyway!
You are so right, Amy Jo! You remind me of a quote attributed to Robert Anderson, “In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find grounds for marriage.”
After a few problems started affecting our marriage, my husband and I decided to seek couples counseling. Knowing a few of these tips will most likely help us get the most out of it, so I should show this post to my husband so that we can go to counseling together with a few goals in mind. I feel that your tip to have a mutual vision of the relationship we want will help us a lot. We haven’t talked about how we want our relationship to be like, so that seems like a discussion we should have before attending counseling to have a few mutual goals in mind.
I am so glad these tips were helpful to you. I agree that having a vision for what the best version of our relationship is is very helpful.
Indeed, commitment is part of couples counseling, and you need to be prepared for that. You have to actually do work in order for it to be effective. Just because someone listens to your problems, they aren’t going to go away.
My husband and I were going through a really rough patch in our marriage and almost considered getting a divorce. However, we decided before we did that to give marriage counseling a chance because we thought it would help us repair our relationship. I really like how you mention that when going to see a marriage therapist, you should expect to be uncomfortable. However, being uncomfortable means you are talking about the things you need to, so that’s good to know.
Couples Therapy really works wonder for saving the priceless relationship of husband and wife. This blog will help people a lot.
This is some great information, and I appreciate your point that having an agreed upon goal with couples counseling will help you get the most out of it. My husband and I have been having some issues recently, and I think it’s due mostly to a lack of communication. I want to try counseling to see if having a third party would help us resolve this, but we’ll make sure to figure out a goal before we go so we know what we’re working toward.
I like that you said that a good couples therapist can work with complicated issues as long as the ultimate goal is mutual. My husband and I are thinking about seeing a marriage and family therapist because we think that it would help stop our marriage from falling apart which is what it feels like is happening right now. I think that agreeing on a goal and working towards that would help make sure that our therapist and we had something to focus on in therapy and at home and would be something that could also help bring us together.
Hi, Michaela, I hope you were able to find the right couples therapist to guide you and your husband to that common ground and common goal. Best wishes to you both.
I appreciate that you mentioned the importance of envisioning the kind of relationship that you want to have together to keep you motivated. My wife and I feel that our lack of communication is causing unnecessary understandings in our relationship. Maybe if we envisioned having a relationship with good communication, we’ll be able to make our aspirations into a reality.
I like that you mentioned how couples therapy can help you and your partner envision the kind of relationship that you both want so that you can work towards it. I remember my wife mentioning that I never listen to her after I get back from work, and I worry that she thinks that my job is more important to me than she is. Maybe some kind of therapy would allow us to learn how to better communicate.