My mom was a nut in many ways but I always knew that she loved me. One way she showed her love was by setting aside the time, when I was about nine years old, to tell me what a woman’s period was all about. It was just her and me in the house, I don’t remember where everyone else went, what happened before or what happened after. What I do remember is sitting on the nubby couch in the living room as she drew a rough sketch of the female reproductive system. It looked like the head of a cow with horns.
I was lucky. Thanks to my Mom’s example, I was able to provide the same to my own daughter. Sadly, I know a lot of women who didn’t get the “wondrous mystery of becoming a woman” explained to them in any manner whatsoever or, worse, in a way that was traumatizing. Maybe they just started bleeding “down there” one day, and someone, usually their mom, threw them the necessary sanitary device and that was that. The underlying message was, “It’s shameful and dirty, therefore you are shameful and dirty. Deal with it.”
Younger generations get a lot explained in Health class at school. Some parents think that leaves them off the hook. Nice try, but I don’t think so. Teaching girls about menstruation at around eight or nine years old, before they have their first period, is appropriate. If you wait until they are ten or eleven you may be too late. It is an act of love for parents to take the time and have the guts to tell their kids about what their bodies are doing as they grow and that it is all healthy and good. It teaches them ownership of their bodies and nourishes their self-esteem.
8 Tips to Explain Menstruation to Your Daughter
Regardless, for many parents, this is a nerve-wracking time. Usually, it’s the Mom who initiates this conversation. If you are a single dad you might ask a loving aunt, grandmother or friend to provide back up. To help out here are a few tips:
1) Make the first talk private, just the two of you. The individual attention your daughter gets from you is a treasured gift.
2) Do not plan to take too much time on the topic. Ten minutes might be enough, probably not more than half an hour.
3) Only answer the questions asked in the spirit in which they are asked. This talk is not to be confused with The Talk. Sex is not the subject and it is premature to talk about sex with an eight or nine-year-old child.
4) Make it comfortable. Have a cup of tea, milk, and cookies available. Sit in your favorite comfy chairs.
5) Use visual aids. Books with pictures are nice. American Girl: The Care and Keeping of You is a good one. Show her the book and give it to her to keep after your talk.
6) Don’t give in to the temptation of saying, “Yeah, it’s gross and it can hurt like hell.” There’s plenty of time for that later. Just kidding! The purpose of talking with your daughter proactively in this kind, an attentive way is to take SHAME out of it. This first talk should be about educating her so that when the milestone happens she isn’t scared, she’s prepared. And empowered.
7) When the talk is done, it’s done. When you sense that her attention is waining and all her questions have been answered change the subject. Have something fun planned for after, watch a fun movie, go outside for a walk, swimming or ice skating, bake cookies, give yourselves manicures, something ‘girly’ if she likes that stuff or active if that’s more her style.
8) Be ready to talk about this several times, not just once. Young minds need time to take this stuff in so they may need some clarification later. The good news is, it gets easier.
How did you learn about menstruation? Do you have any more suggestions for talking with our daughters about it? Please share in the comments!
Dear Mel,
A very good question! No, you do not have to mention sex. That is too much information for a nine year old, I agree. Menstruation occurs without sex and yes, it IS about the body preparing to have babies but that’s as far as you have to go. The rule of thumb regarding talking about sex is only to answer the child’s question, don’t jump ahead or let your own anxiety make you say more than you need to or what your child is ready for. If she says she’s afraid of getting pregnant from the toilet seat you can assure her that’s not how it happens without going into detail about how you DO get pregnant. The book I mention in the article is a good guideline for both the child AND parent. Take a deep breath, relax and reward yourselves for reaching this milestone!
How do you discuss menstruation and not sex? I’ve been googling the “discuss menstruation” topic and everyone seems to agree that earlier is better but I do also agree that 8 or 9 seems premature to discuss intercourse. So you tell your child how this is a “wonderful” change to her body that means she is becoming a women and it is necessary so she can have babies. But you don’t mention that sex is the other ingredient necessary for pregnancy? Doesn’t that lead to fear of getting pregnant from the toilet seat or whatever? Just trying to get prepared…
Am a grandma and I have two grandchildren.one 8and one 5 both girls do I talk to my 8 year old now.
Dear Debra,
It sounds like you feel the responsibility to have this talk with your 8 year old granddaughter. To lower stress for both if you, please be sure that you have the authority to talk with her about this delicate subject and/or have the blessing of the parents/legal guardians. Legally grandparents do need to defer to the parents and their wishes. But I also know parenting can a complicated thing in families. It is not uncommon for grandparents to step up and act in the place of absent or unreliable parents. They are more parental in relationship to the child than the biological parents are. So it is in that spirit that I answer your question directly.
You know this child the best, so you know what she is ready to hear about and at what age. Some 8 year olds are very mature for their age. Some need another year to be ready to hear about the changes their bodies will be going through. You are taking the loving responsibility to teach your granddaughter. Trust your love, knowledge and intuition about the child to tell you when the right time is.