Are you your family’s scapegoat? How would you know? Do you find yourself on the defensive a lot? Do you hear stories, first or second hand, from various members of the family about your bad behavior? Stories that are very old, or not true or at best, exaggerated? Or maybe they are partially true but important bits of information are left out? 
A friend of mine couldn’t figure out why, when she went to visit her elderly parents who lived outside of Western New York, she was often marginalized. When she asked questions about her parents’ doctors appointments or issues of financial security, she was put off, told it was all taken care of, not to be concerned, which if course, concerned her even more. Later, she would run into extended family members who would say rather angrily, “well, it must be nice to live far away and not be bothered with the health and financial concerns of the family”. No matter what my friend did it was the wrong thing. It was an old painful pattern, but finally, after much self-reflective work, she asked herself, what was going on?
Scapegoating & The Dysfunctional Family
She was the family scapegoat. As Sarah Swenson explains in her article, Scapegoating in Dysfunctional Families, the dysfunctional family system zeros in on an innocent on which to hang all their messed up issues. Mom’s unhappy? Well, it’s because her daughter won’t hop to every time she needs something. A sister is angry at being disrespected? It’s always the scapegoat’s fault for being “too busy to call.” Never mind that the mother is completely able-bodied and the sister is totally capable of initiating a call or texting. Their unhappiness is all the scapegoat’s fault.
The point is to burden the scapegoat with the responsibility and guilt for the family’s woes so that the people who really are responsible don’t have to deal.
As Ms Swenson points out, the scapegoat is usually the most psychologically strong, the most accomplished person in the family’s circle. That leaves the scapegoated person to wonder, do they target me because they’re jealous? That might be, but it could also be because it is more justifiable, in a twisted way, to project intolerable internal discomfort onto a strong recipient. What satisfaction is there in beating up a weakling? A fragile scapegoat wouldn’t last long and the person doing the scapegoating would end up feeling sorry for them which would defeat the whole purpose.
Support + Therapy = Making Things Better
Slowly, with the support of good internal resources, therapy, and an empathic husband, my friend came to realize it was unlikely she would ever change the attitude of her sister or her mother. They would continue to blame her for the anger, bitterness and unhappiness in their lives. The power my friend had was to choose not to accept the unjustified blame anymore.
5 Steps to Stop Being the Family Scapegoat
- Only accept what is truly your responsibility. Allow them to take responsibility for what is theirs.
- Give yourself permission to step away. Allowing some space of time and distance may sound drastic but in many dysfunctional families it is absolutely essential for your mental health. You can love them and still need to protect yourself from them. You can do both at the same time.
- Refrain from arguing. You love them. You want more than anything for them to see what you see so that they can learn how to take responsibility and change for the better. That’s unlikely to happen. If it does it won’t be because of something you said. The best you can do is speak your truth, quietly and firmly.
- Lean on your circle of support. You will need them as you extricate yourself from the scapegoat role. When someone previously mired in the dysfunction gets better and decides not to play anymore, the ones remaining will try hard to pull the them back into the mire. It takes guts to stay the healthy course. Use the help available to you.
- Remember compassion. Compassion for them, because they are not well, are limited emotionally and deeply unhappy. Compassion for yourself, because it hurts to accept that people you love would inflict pain on you. Be proud of doing the right thing for yourself, even though it is the hard thing.
Elvira G. Aletta, PhD, Founder & CEO
Executive & Personal Coaching, Individual & Relationship Counseling
Life gave Dr. Aletta the opportunity to know what it’s like to hurt physically and emotionally. After an episode of serious depression in her mid-twenties, Dr. Aletta was diagnosed with a rare kidney disease that relapsed throughout her adulthood. While treatable, the cure was often as hard to bear as the disease. Later she was diagnosed with scleroderma, another chronic illness.
Throughout, Dr. Aletta battled with anxiety. Despite all this, Dr. Aletta wants you to know, you can learn to engage in life again on your terms.
Good therapy helped Dr. Aletta. She knows good therapy can help you. That’s why she created Explore What’s Next.
Today Dr. Aletta enjoys mentoring the EWN therapists, focusing on coaching and psychotherapy clients, writing and speaking. She is proud and confident that Explore What’s Next can provide you with therapists who will help you regain a sense of safety, control and joy.
716.308.6683 | draletta@explorewhatsnext.com
Life gave Dr. Aletta the opportunity to know what it’s like to hurt physically and emotionally. After an episode of serious depression in her mid-twenties, Dr. Aletta was diagnosed with a rare kidney disease that relapsed throughout her adulthood. While treatable, the cure was often as hard to bear as the disease. Later she was diagnosed with scleroderma, another chronic illness.
Sometimes with some people the best and only option is to completely walk away and break contact. Finally learning that and feeling a sense of freedom and peace.
Yes, what you say is true. It is not an easy decision but in some situations, with some people, completely disconnecting from them is the best choice. I’m glad you have given yourself permission to do that without guilt. Sometimes it’s not possible, though. As much as we’d like to, there may be a good reason why we don’t. Co-parenting is a big one, for instance. For such relationships learning to disconnect while still communicating is key. Meanwhile, back to you…You deserve your freedom and peace. Enjoy your life.
This 100% resonates with me. I am heartbroken every single day since Aunts & cousins have joined in with my golden child sister and parents on the ostracism. They gaslight and accuse me of falling out with them. When this whole thing has stemmed from my parents when I was a teen. Whenever I made mistakes or pushed boundaries as almost all teens do, I was harshly punished & I am still to this day reminded of my historical ‘sins’. My sister 7 years younger than me, has grown up not being accountable for any of her mistakes and can do no wrong. She is my mothers pacifier. She is never away from my parents & when she isn’t there they are looking after her toddler full time. From 10 years old I was heavily relied upon to look after her whilst they were working or socialising. I was close to my sister & protective of her. 12years ago the dynamics shifted & she started to become hostile & ignorant towards me. My mother and sister started to exclude me from days out & family gatherings. I’ve tried to rectify this with my sister, my mother and father. I am not told of any family news. They blame me, saying they walk on eggshells around me, they say I think everyone is against me. The one Aunt (my father’s sister) who I was once close to, has now shifted to their camp and does not bother with me, my daughters or husband. I used to confide in her a lot & she used to see for herself how cruel all of this was. It’s as if the whole family have all been recruited. I am an empathetic, passionate & loyal person. I have a lovely husband, we have only been married 2 years. This breaks him seeing me like this. He has tried speaking to my father just last week as I have been feeling suicidal at times. My father told him that it’s my sister who has the problem with me but she won’t say what it is. Yet they condone her ill treatment of me by partaking in it. Excluding us from things & having very little contact with us. Just last night during a conversation with my father, my aunt was mentioned. When I said that she hasn’t bothered with us for a year now, he went viscous at me, saying how it’s me who has fallen out with everyone in my family, auntie wouldn’t be as cruel as to stop contact (she has). I told him how low I feel & gutted by all of this, he then went on with his tirade and said “your sister is here, speak to her about it all!”. He knows very well that she hates me, so why on earth did he humiliate me and have her listen to my distress & tell me off like a child whilst she was there. I am a good person, I still believe that about myself, I have two beautiful, kind & loving daughters. Yet this has taken over my life. I have no confidence, self worth, I’ve isolated myself from my friends as I’m so depressed & embarrassed by the situation. I don’t know what to do now. I am in the same sad situation as I was this time last year with it all. I feel emotionally crippled.
Dear Kara, I am so sorry for all that has happened to you. You wrote this a long time ago, last December, so I do not know if your feelings and the situation with your family is the same. If it is, please let me assure you that you are not alone. Please do not isolate yourself. Isolating yourself gives the toxic people in your family power to hurt you. If you haven’t yet, give yourself permission to protect yourself and your wonderful husband from the poison. He is your new family. Remember, you can choose to not have communication with them and have compassion for them (because they are severely unhappy) at the same time. But you do NOT have to martyr yourself because they are incapable of true kindness. You are capable of kindness and there are other people in your life, your husband for one, yourself for another, who are deserving. Focus on them, on you. I will post a few books at the end of this article that I think would be helpful for you and others in the same situation. I hope and pray this finds you well.
I am 20 years old, with inner growth and betterment of myself, basically changing who I am a person. I found my family still alienating me, and basically manipulating me to the point where I know better than to stick up for myself. My mother, aunt, uncle and brother all use me as their scapegoat and I now realize there is nothing I can do to stop it and it isn’t because of anything I’m doing wrong. I work very hard for my family and it seems like Im the only one held accountable for my actions. I know I’m not perfect but at this point I have worked so hard on my own problems that there’s hardly anything they could have against me. My issue is that I have problems with shyness and social Anxiety so leaving my family and going on my own is something that I’m having a hard time getting to. I’m trying to get on medication and social security to help myself and the long run. But in the meantime is there any tips or tricks with dealing with this on a day to day basis????
Hi, H, Do you have anyone helping you to get the right medication for you, get on Social Security for health care benefits and look at housing options? Because those are hard things to do on your own, especially the you’re dealing with social anxiety on top of everything else. There are many not-for-profit organizations that specialize in exactly this kind of help. United Way would have a list of these organizations and their specialties, everything from mental health counseling to free legal services and financial planning and advice. As for day to day, imagine protecting yourself by putting a forcefield around you that no one else can see but you know is there. Their abusive behavior bounces off the forcefield so you don’t get hurt. Avoid them as much as possible but also be in touch with whatever friends you have that get it and are in your corner. Also take care of yourself physically. Do everything you need to do to keep you safe from COVID-19. Eat healthy, hydrate and exercise, even if that just means walking around the block. Be safe and take care.
Totally agree. I have piecemeal family estrangement over 40 years. Just recently it has been my sister who had taken advantage of me financially and does not reimburse me. I asked her another question from 2007 when my dad was dying and she didn’t want to answer except that I am no longer her sister and never contact her again. So to get myself cleared, I will sue her in small claims court for the money she owes for a high phone bill, moving expenses, and probably never reimburse for the high vet bill. Initially, that’s what probably aggravated the estrangement when you let it fester. Many families are estranged and you can read a great book on Amazon that you can rent: https://www.amazon.com/Family-Estrangement-perspective-Kylie-Agllias-ebook-dp-B01LYEM0CX/dp/B01LYEM0CX/ref=mt_kindle?_encoding=UTF8&me=&qid=1575217494
I hope you continue to be strong in doing what you have to do to protect yourself. Thank you the book recommendation! I will definitely take a look at it.
I had to walk away from family to stop them from scapegoat me.
This description of a scapegoat being “usually the most psychologically strong, the most accomplished person in the family’s circle” is very far from my own personal experience growing up. My younger sister was the scapegoat, and she was most definitely as far from from being ‘psychologically strong’ or ‘most accomplished’ as it is possible to get! What she WAS, was an ‘easy target’- because she was so vulnerable, and so very NOT strong, and therefore the least likely of all of us to be able to fight back or stand up for herself. She was the WEAKEST.
In my family growing up, there were 2 golden children (the first golden child was a boy; the second golden child was a girl, the youngest of the family), and one scapegoat (the second youngest, a girl). It should be noted that I was targeted to be the golden girl child first…. and I REFUSED that role. I did NOT want to be treated as ‘special’, or in any way differently from my siblings – I was maybe 7 years old at the time and even at that young age I somehow understood that this was NOT right. Unfortunately I was still not able to save my younger sister from becoming the scapegoat, and she was never able to recover from it and has severe psychological issues as an adult now 🙁
Thank you sharing your story. You are absolutely right, of course, that not all family scapegoats are the the most accomplished in the family. I admire the psychological strength in you, even at seven, not to accept a dysfunctional role in your family. My heart goes out to your sister that the psychological abuse she withstood haunts her to this day. I hope she is getting professional therapeutic help which can be healing even as an adult. Also there is a great book that I recommend, Healing From Hidden Abuse, A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery From Psychological Abuse, by Shannon Thomas.
I’m sorry your sister went through so much. On that scapegoat too, but I don’t have a sibling to help and I’m learning that no contact is the best thing of 47 and I’ve suffered from the same problems. But light skin better and I live 3500 miles away and have for decades and just want to say that I wish I had the gift that your sister did not think it’s great that you stepped in basically by refusing that role.
3500 miles away from my famuoy of origin and have for decades l, so I am just about to go no contact with my parents too. You did yourself a favor by stepping out of the Psycho Circus and be there flying monkey because that would have brought stress on you because you’re a good person or too good to live with that. I wish my much older siblings were like you. But life has gotten better for me over the years and I have finally conquered some drug problems I used to have
First I want to thank the author of this article. It was articles like these that helped me learn about abusers and now these are the articles that keep me going. I felt good reading this as a reminder that I’m doing the right thing by staying away. Thankyou <3
when I An abuser/narcissist will outcast the scapegoat and provoke others to lose respect. The narcissist doesn’t leave the weak one alone because they will start to feel sorry for them. They leave them alone because they cant get the reaction they want. They need someone that’s going to fight back while they slowly tear them down to how they feel inside. What they hate about their victim is exactly what they wish they had, true peace. Even if you are down in life, you can still have. It’s the ability to not tear others down to face what your feeling. Your able to be in a situation that stresses you and you simply take it. Whether you vent, stay in your room, have an attitude call out from work whatever it is, you deal with it and still have good times or come out of it all together, Then get back to striving in life.
They ignore and redirect their negative feeling towards people that trust them. The inner circle always knows the truth regardless if they ignore it or speak out or join in some cases.
When a narcissist picks a scapegoat to bully in its little circle, the waters have already been tested and they “choose” you to project everything they hate about themselves on. The scapegoat should leave immediately, because it’s very unlikely for someone who repeats the same evil acts, to change because the person they choose to hurt is hurt. It’s a sick feeling that grows, and we all see it everyday with domestic violence. If the abuser stays it gets worse. Narcissist put everyone in sections with how they treat them. If you’re their scapegoat that’s because they don’t respect you. Any growth you acquire makes them feel inferior Because they cannot grow, they’re too busy wasting there whole life away by screwing other people over to restore a feeling of loss. Some narcs over achieve to ignore the feeling but no matter what they will still abuse. They can have a mansion and you live in a regular 100k house, they’ll still find ways to destroy your happiness.
I have a ex that was willing to go to jail for years by breaking a police court order, in hopes that I’d lose custody of our child. He had money cars, was likable, but secretly I was his scapegoat. I was his main source of supply, loving him, cooking and cleaning at home while he devalued, downplayed and tried destroy everything I achieved. He needed that in order to go out and shine the way he did. I was the charger for his battery. When I realized what was happening after reading, I could not go on knowing that that’s what was happening to me. When I stopped dealing with it I took my power back, and that’s the moment you realize how much they really need you despite the bad treatment.
He stop shining, his whole glow was gone. He played victim. He became consistently nice and I fell for that a few times before I was done. He started acting like Michael Myers when I was completely done. All the disrespect or nice treatment was gone and the real him, the slipped mask showed. The evil misery lashes out because you know so it doesn’t matter anymore. There glow doesn’t matter anymore because you not there to shine it, they have to feel stress because they can’t leave there baggage on you. When you survive them and they’ve finally accepted they lost control, they find someone else to fill the void. They will have to play nice but inside they don’t respect you. They hate you and your just the one who got away.
So as I said before, don’t let all the drama play out, spare yourself and find peace and happiness
Dear Meme, Thank you so much for sharing your courage and your experience here with us. There are several phrases in your comment that bear repeating. Here are a few that stood out for me and I’m sure will be helpful to others:
“The narcissist doesn’t leave the weak one alone because they will start to feel sorry for them. They leave them alone because they can’t get the reaction they want.”
“What they hate about their victim is exactly what they wish they had, true peace.”
“I was his main source of supply, loving him, cooking and cleaning at home while he devalued, downplayed and tried to destroy everything I achieved. He needed that in order to go out and shine the way he did. I was the charger for his battery.”
“When I stopped dealing with it I took my power back, and that’s the moment you realize how much they really need you despite the bad treatment. He stop shining, his whole glow was gone.”
Loved your article, thank you. I am the scapegoat and my older sister is the Golden Child. One thing I am puzzled with is why my mother won’t move to a different state to be closer to the Golden Child than I; after all, they have so much more in common. My mother’s English is limited so I have full care of her appointments, phone calls, bills, etc but the constant blame, belittling, silent treatments are really getting to me and I believe she is pretty frustrated with me as well since I don’t play by the rules. My family is my first priority. So why isn’t she moving??? Wouldn’t that be easier for both of us?
Hi, Anon, Thank you for reading this article and thank your sharing your story which is unique to you and shared by others. The reason your mother doesn’t move to be closer to the Golden Child may be complicated, however, I can say that in situations like this there is a high motivation for the dysfunctional family members to keep things the same. Underneath all the complaining is a deep fear. Fear that if the status quo were changed they would lose control. Change is an unknown and therefore something to resist. I am happy to hear you aren’t “playing by the rules”. I’m hoping you are still able to establish and maintain good, firm boundaries.
This article’s advice is aimed at an intended reader who is socially well connected and who has a trustworthy support system.
I’m totally isolated and when I’m in a fight or flight situation, the feeling of helplessness is at the level where I hate my family, I want out.
Yes, as a scapegoat, I fit the definition of being a high achiever, strong. I’m used as the family’s maid, other than that I’m taunted in a where my family members say that I can’t take a joke. My thoughts are of no value.
I feel that my attitude changes because I feel that I could give a f@$k about my daughter for example, after she refused to listen to my constructive criticism because I can see where she’s developing an unhealthy relationship with her toddler. The baby has bad behavior and tantrums around her mom-excessively.
Actually, I have to accept that my family is in the process of changing because all my other relatives are either dead or no longer in my life nor my children’s because they are aware of the relatives’ abusiveness towards them, but my children still aren’t aware of how they minimize me.
I have to strive for self actualization, all the while I’m living neck-to-neck with a scapegoat provocateur.
I’m a scapegoat because I care what they think about me. I’m forced to kiss ass, otherwise my daughter will run back to her home to broadcast what a bee-ach I am. There’s no winning. There’s only running away and estrangement.
But, I guess that if one has a support system, one becomes exponentially stronger. If you’re completely alone, it’s a mental exercise. One must accept the fact that you’re in a mental prison. And I’m not in touch with feelings of love. I know in my head that I love my children but I don’t feel it in my heart. And I feel like a freak around their friends because I heard how badly my children talk about me.
In this victimized zone, I don’t care for people, particularly. A scapegoat is always a scapegoat goat no matter where they are. The work place is abusive, so I take a beating as an employee. I’ve been literally publicly humiliated by my boss, who would walk around campus telling everyone one he passed, that I was incompetent, yada yada etc.
That’s the life of a scapegoat, who’s also a rape victim and was a child victim of sexual abuse.
My family could care less.
Dear Mimosa, As much as I know it feels this way, we are never 100% alone. Your family is hopeless and you are right to not go to them for help. What we need is to give ourselves permission to use what energy we have to take care of ourselves and reach out to the right person. There are good people in every community around the world who are open-hearted and ready to listen with compassion and support without judgement. There are churches, temples, mosques, supportive services phone-in lines, human resources employee assistance counselors, psychological services available in private practice or public community centers. What it takes to call one or many of these resources is not easy and huge, I know, but you do deserve at least one ally. Yours is out there waiting for your call.
Your mother seems to be taking advantage of your need to be accepted and loved by her, which is normal for you but wrong for her, the reason why she doesn’t burden her Golden one is the same reason why she doesn’t burden her self to care and love you, the golden child is a distorted mirror of self and you are a wounded soul who she knows wants her love and approval so she will continue to take advantage of you until you decide that will not work any longer, as painful as it is, the only question left is not really why your mother isn’t doing something different, why do you continue to accept this behavior? It’s time to really ponder on the question, being the scapegoat means you have been conditioned to believe and accept less, the change has to start internally, you must tell yourself that you deserve better and use your voice, tell your mother, since your so unhappy with your circumstance her with me, you are welcome to move where you might be better off as I am going to make changes that make me happy as well and begin doing that, it’s a slow and painful process and it brings so much loneliness but also peace, I am now 49 and spent my entire life, running away and running back, hoping for better, no more, they don’t change we do, give yourself permission to love and care for you above others and move on to peace in life! I wish you the best
Well said.
What a beautiful piece you said. I have been dealing with being the scapegoat for years now. It is quite tiring. Im 31 now, and im ready to just let go and embrace my life and worry about me. Its going to be hard because all I do is care. But now I need to care about me and my mental health.
I walked away from 7 siblings 7 years ago aged 53. Realised my mother was a vulnerable narcissist a year ago. My parents relationship was full of passive aggression long periods of silence you could never argue with mum you could video her she would deny everything even if you played it back she was never wrong. she also had post natal depression during the 10 years of childbirth. My siblings are unaware of this all and would think l’m crazy if I suggested any of this and that l would not wish a marriage like my parents etc. I knew l was not the weakest in the family so always queried why me you article makes sense. My siblings passive aggression – lack of respect to me therefore not validating l had feelings, not validating me as a person. I think it comes from there frustration and hurt of the emotional neglect in the home. Poor dad could not cope it was the 60’s they moved from another country so no support network around and postnatal depression was not really known then. l remember fantasising about leaving the home and going off to boarding school .
One of the last taboos after sexual abuse within families after sexual abuse which IS been spoken about more now (though not that sexual abuse between siblings is higher than between parent – child (I have never been sexually abused by anyone by the way) is emotional / psychological abuse. And it lasting impact. This needs to be explored more and where the parents were in all of this, my decades of abuse. Did they gain something from me being the scapegoat too?
But my only regret was not walking away at 30, don’t look back anyone you can’t change people and there was danger in numbers (6 siblings) not safety they don’t have to explore their conscience because how can 6 people be wrong, it’s my problem…..What ever it takes for you to be able to sleep at night l suppose.
Dear Margo, I hope you are able to sleep at night. I admire your self-awareness plus the compassion you demonstrate for your family, even though they were abusive.
After being blamed so much, many scapegoats decline psychologically, having issues such as trust
wow this is totally me. my mother is the controller.my 2 adult kids agree with her that everything is my fault i am the family idiot.when my sister and her husband come to visit.i have to not say a word and go away…..mom tells me not to say a word to them,,if i do they yell and argue and mom says she is the victim.she made me wait an hour to go to the er when i got toxic in my eyes…she had to call my daughter to come home from shopping watch the baby to take me to er….my daughter was mad…at me for making her come home to watch her baby while mom took me to er….then no one precept mom asked how i was……even with my breast byopsy no one even asked how it went…….i am yelled at to stop being the victim..what does that mean/ i dont understand how these people can be so cold…christmas is awful…no love or joy,my daughter could not even look at me to say merry christmas…my mom says she did too.she sticks up for this awful behavior because she wants always to be needed by my daughter and her narsisicts husband….its always cindy stop cindy stop..you need to respect me mom says as i am in awful pain in my burning eye….
Dear Cindy, you need to get far away from these toxic people. If you have the means to move out and find your own place that would be ideal. If you can’t, then find a place outside the home that can be a safe haven that you can go to when you need it. That can be an emotionally secure place like a church, a community social center, or even a therapist’s office.
Not all scapegoats are psychologically strong. I’m the scapegoat for my family and I’m nearly always ending every family gathering walking away, crying. I have dyspraxia and my family don’t seem to know what this is, so they comment on it like I’m just stupid.
Your family is cruel. There is no excuse for not knowing what dyspraxia is. All they have to do is Google it, for god’s sake! I’m so sorry. You deserve better. You suggest that you are not psychologically strong. You may want to consider not going to all the family gatherings but I get that you could use some support and backup to exercise your right to say No. Spend your time with friends who do understand, who are supportive and kind. Even if it’s just one person, they can help you build up your psychological strength. So try to expose yourself to cruelty less AND expose yourself to love and compassion more.
The legacy my family have left me with is one of isolation and great difficulty due to inability on my part, to trust anyone.
Having never known trust leaves one very vulnerable. This vulnerability is extremely attractive to people of pathological tendency. Hence, life is littered with attacks from them.
My employment has been fractured by this as well as inability to form strong friendships.
Nevertheless, I am incredibly resourceful and blessed with intelligence. My family can’t take that away.
I pray for my family every day. I pray that they turn to Jesus and then be enabled to experience God’s blessings. This is my way of forgiving them as well as blessing them.
I never would’ve turned to Jesus myself, if it wasn’t for my family betraying me all my life. I should be thanking them…
At 59yrs of age, I’m finally learning to trust…God. He is the only one I can trust. He makes an amazing Father.
I strongly recommend Him.
Our Heavenly Father is here for us to cling to.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other and try gathering strategies to make yourself less vulnerable. Beware, family scapegoats are shit magnets.
Hi, Kath, You’ve made a good point about “gathering strategies to make yourself less vulnerable” and the “shit magnet” thing. I’m glad your faith is a sanctuary for your spirit. That is wonderful but not a substitute for human connection. There are very good faith-based therapists out there you may be able to talk with one-on-one about the abusive scapegoating experience with your family and help you continue to heal.
Hi, I’m the scapegoat of the family. My parents don’t get on but on the rare occasion that you do, they start talking about me behind my back. I thought my dad was on my side but turns out he has shown his true colours. What is your advice for someone who is a scapegoat living with their parents? I recently finished uni and so until I get a job, I can’t move out and support myself.
My sister is a couple of years older than me. My brother 10 years younger. Between my arrival and my brother there were at least 2 miscarriages. After one miscarriage I remember comments between Aunts about my “difficult birth” and Mums subsequent post natal depression – then the glances in my direction. One of my earliest memories from about age 4 or 5 is trying to persuade mum not to take a bottle of pills and later visiting her in Mental hospital. I remember a feeling of not fitting in with my family and a feeling that my parents unhappiness was my fault. I even wondered if I was adopted. My parents had a lot of fall outs until at age 8 we moved and dad changed jobs.
Two years later, brother born – all sweetness and light just in time for me to hit puberty. At 16 I left for 2 years in Navy before returning home for 2 years. I left again to wander Europe picking fruit before ending up in London to work in sales and advertising. I didn’t fit in there either and after 2 years I ended up volunteering in a homeless shelter. For the first time I felt needed and valued, not by respectable religious types but by elderly alcoholics and others with mental health problems.
After a couple of years volunteering I got paid work in a care home for people being rehomed from large psychiatric hospitals that were being closed in the 1980’s. I briefly met RD Lang who suggested I train as a Social Worker or something, which I did. I subsequently became manager of a large housing organisation for people with Mental health problems and later also a homeless charity.
Then stuff hit me. I can only describe it as “burn out”. I left the caring profession at the age of around 40 and ended up working with my wife in different ventures. We have two children – both now at university. We are now comfortable home owners in our 50/60’s.
About 7 years ago my dad died. Earlier in the year Dad and Mum had set up an arrangement for my Brother to manage their financial and other affairs without any discussion with me or my sister. Dad went in hospital mid week but I couldn’t get there until the weekend as work and child care were on my plate. My brother was there – he had no kids and had the week off work. The cold relationship with my Mum was positively frosty as we all sat around dads hospital bed. Dad died the following week and that evening I tried to comfort my brother over the phone but he slammed the phone down on me. At the funeral my brother gave an “eulogy on behalf of the whole family” and his wife also spoke. My family were allowed to attend but we had no role. One of my mums friends said to me at the crematorium afterwards “you were sent a message weren’t you”. Another guest, a friend of my dad, that I hadn’t seen in over 40 years said “Oh yes you must the one that caused all the worry and upsets.”
I was confused and hurt and sad. I knew I was never a perfect son but I hadn’t realised just how much they didn’t like me. About 6 months later my brother sent me a long letter expressing his views on me with statements that included I, “had a malignant attitude towards the family” and that I, “had hated dad and was glad he was dead”. It went on to state that my phone calls to my mum were “cold and business like”. In some strange way the letter was a relief. For the first time hostile feelings that had been shown in subtle ways from my Mum and brother had been put down on paper in a clear and direct way without any attempt to fudge or pretend otherwise.
I sent my Mum a copy of his letter, he was after all her “attorney/spokesperson”. I had hoped she would write or phone to say she did not agree with it all – or at least in part. She wrote back but ignored my brothers letter. I wrote again and after 7 months she finally acknowledged she had initially chosen not to read it, but having now read it she had decided it “should not have been written” but was not her fault. Over the past 6 years we have exchanged several letters but made no progress. My brother has posted his bile about me on my wife’s FB page (now blocked) and last year during lockdown went to the trouble of contacting total strangers on her FB page to tell them how awful I am. I have not contacted him or spoken to him since the day after my dad died when he slammed the phone down on me.
There are many details left out of my account above but I think I have given a fair synopsis. I had often felt as if I were the “family scapegoat” without having an understanding of the term in psychology until I read the above article. I look back on the many others I had met in my work and who had suffered much more than me as a consequence of this syndrome. I think the effects of post natal depression, miscarriages, still births and much more can ripple out from parents to effect the lives of their children. Effects which can be going decades later and which deserve much more study and understanding.
As for the present my mum is elderly and frail. I avoid contact with her unless she writes to me. I avoid all contact with my brother. I get on well with my loving wife, my children and my dog and I know they all love me. I also get on well with my wife’s fairly large family. I have little time for fools or anyone who wishes to put me down. I believe in a philosophy of “live and let live”. I try to be kind. I am more than content to not see my brother again. I have a little contact with my sister who is sympathetic towards me. I would like to have some sort of reconciliation with my mum before she dies but I am also reconciled to the fact that this probably will not happen. I do not know how to make it happen or even if it would be a good or healthy idea – for either of us.
Thanks for the “5 Steps” They resonate and make sense to me.